Humble Pie

I read a quote today that floored me. The blog was discussing how hard it is to ask for help and she wrote, “These requests may sound like no-brainers to some, but they were big, humbling moments for me. I like feeling strong. I’m prideful of my independence.”

And like a ton of bricks, it hit me. This is something I've been struggling with this past trimester. Not the pregnancy. Not the having to pee 18 times a night. Not that I seriously can’t see my upper thighs anymore (no one tell me how big they’re getting, I like the “ignorance is bliss” thing I’m rocking right now.)

Pride. Ugh. I hate even typing that. I know there is no sin that is greater than the other, but man I hate my battle with pride.

I've always been a pretty independent person. When you’re the oldest in a family of four, and the other 3 are very driven, hard-working boys, you naturally just learn “oh I can do this on my own.” Our family motto is “put your big girl panties on and deal with it.” Granted, I have a very understanding and loving family who will help each other at the drop of the hat, but we are all naturally just very independent. When we found out we were pregnant I think I had made an agreement with myself that I would not be someone who was helpless just because they were pregnant, and I've tried very hard to fight off extra help that was offered. I had one friend say she could get a ride from the airport by someone else if I was too tired. I about yelled at her. “I’m pregnant, NOT AN INVALID!”

Oh how naïve I was.

Pregnancy has taken my “I got this” attitude and thrown it out the window where it has been run over by at least 15 semi-trucks and I absolutely HATE it. I love being a problem solver. I love rising above issues and fixing them. I love that my husband doesn’t have to worry about me being able to take care of stuff; but pregnancy man, that will rob you of that. These past few weeks I have finally started to feel the weight, and I mean literal weight, of growing and carrying this sweet baby girl. Stairs kill me. I can’t lift things. I tire easily. And I hate to say this, but my hormones are making it harder to emotionally handle things as well. So when we found out two Fridays ago we were going to have to move out of our house due to mold abatement and construction (don’t worry, very minor mold, but it needed to GO!) I took the news as I do about most things in life and thought, “32 weeks pregnant…pshhh we got this!”

Ladies and Gentleman, let me clarify: we did NOT have it.

I was convinced I could pack up our house and get it moved all while the sweat glistened beautifully on my already glowing pregnancy face. People would be in awe. There would be cheering, and possibly a "Pregnant Woman of the Year" Award that I would graciously receive. 

False. 

I tried packing and was hit with Braxton hick’s contractions the entire time. They were so strong I had to set a timer to remind myself to rest so I could give my body a break and allow my abdomen to unclench.

This was my humbling moment. I couldn't do this.

 Thankfully, my wiser and more aware husband had called sweet friends to come help us pack. Later that week our awesome bible study cancelled our meeting so that the boys could come help Jordan move a ton of our furniture to our new house. Without questioning anything they immediately offered their help and showed up with their muscles and their servant’s hearts.

Living so far from family we are learning how much our friends and community HAVE to become our second family. We can’t fear asking for help, or admitting when things are hard. They are all we physically have out here; and sadly an understanding phone call from our parents isn't going to get the house packed up. It was truly beautiful to see so many friends come around us without a single complaint and with the biggest of hearts.

So as I sat on the couch during one of my breaks while I watched my friends pack up every last kitchen dish we had, I had to deal with myself. I felt weak. I felt lazy. I felt like I needed to explain why I was sitting on the couch. In my mind I was the fat lady sitting on the couch because packing up boxes was “too much”. It killed me. And ever so slowly I ate my humble pie (the whole pie) and learned what it was like to be vulnerable and let someone help me.

This is how the Lord designed it though; to help each other. To be there for each other! My independent personality is great in many areas, however, I realize it has caused me to miss out on receiving such a wonderful blessing that exists in the body of Christ.

So for the last few weeks of this pregnancy, I’m going to practice asking for help when I need it, and try not to do everything on my own.

However, I still think Jordan won’t shave my legs for me, so I may need to keep trying to attack that battle on my own ;) 

Adventures in Registering

Registering.

The thing every woman dreams about!! Oh, to go on a shopping spree where the possibilities are endless and there's no cap on how much you can say you want! Whether you get it all, well that's another part.
I've been so excited about this aspect, however, I found out that several married friends have kept a dark secret.

Jordan and I went browsing just to see what things we liked. I expected this to be the first of many future marital bliss moments I would experience with him. I picture something like a scene from a musical. We'd both go rushing to the same glasses....the same fabric colors...the same dishes and discover we love the same things! Then we'd laugh at each other and think, "Gosh we're perfect for each other aren't we." There'd be song, and probably even a dance with a tricky lift. Maybe the Pottery Barn employees would do a synchronized dance with baskets and napkin rings. Oh bliss. Oh happiness! We'd walk out of Pottery Barn hand in hand...the picture-perfect engaged couple.

Now for the dirty secret....
Registering is hard. It's slow...it's painstaking...it's two opinions being solidified into one. It's negotiating...it's crying....it's giving in (on his part). Pretty sure if you survive Registering then you can survive marriage.
Several of my friends responses when I asked them how their registering went:

• "Oh gosh. At one point I ended up sobbing on one of the beds in Bed, Bath & Beyond."
• "I let 'John' help, and then later went and changed everything to what I had originally wanted."
• "My husband was picky about the size of the spoons, the shape of cereal bowls. It took us forever to compromise!" 
• "'Jack' helped me in one store, and after that he refused to go with me again."

Now our experience hasn't been bad, but it definitely was different than I anticipated. I wanted to try so hard not to be that woman that doesn't take her husband opinion into consideration. I went in with an open mind. Surely Jordan and I have similar tastes right?

We walk into Pottery Barn and start looking over glassware:

Me: "Ok, looking at these options, which one is your favorite style?"
(I mentally look them over and pick out my LEAST favorite, then I relax knowing surely Jordan would agree with me when it was my turn. Surely, SURELY he wouldn't want our house to feel like Denny's.)

Jordan: "OH, I like these the best!"- Jordan points to the before mentioned LEAST favorite.

Sigh. Denny's. 

My heart drops. Ugh. These? No. The controlling side rises up in me and so strongly I want to say "Oh, that's sweet", pat his head..."We're actually not going to go with those. But thanks for playing." 

I try to be stronger. 

Me: "Oh ok...we'll maybe we can find something similar but not those particular ones." 
Jordan: "You don't like them do you," he states very matter of fact. 
Me: " I didn't say that..." 
Jordan: "But you don't..." 

Oh, don't push me!

Me: "Well what do you like about these?"
Jordan explains his reasoning. Good reasons.

Me: "Sounds good!" I lead him towards the door to leave Pottery Barn and this discussion..."We'll look around and find something with those qualities." 
Jordan: "You really hate those glasses don't you?" 

I crumble.

Me: "Oh sweet Jesus YES! I understand you want something durable and we will find that, but those glasses will not be in our home. Ever. The End. " 

Jordan smiles. He broke me.

Granted I will say I have sense been swayed to a similar style at another store. The durability really is a KEY factor :) See...compromise!

Next time I'll share about the specific shape of cereal bowls that my lactose-intolerant fiance insists we have and how we are changing our bedding selection upon the discovery that there were birds in the pattern.

The Day Technology Went On Strike

Today technology went on strike. I don't truly believe that technology has that kind of human capability, but after today I'm pretty sure I have underestimated it. Let's review in bullet points:

• Got to work this morning only to find out that construction near our office cut our internet lines. Eh, I don't have to check on my email right now. Not a big deal, I'll just do work in our CSM...oh wait, we access that through the internet. Well, while I wait for internet I'll just browse some blogs...hmmm, no. Well I'll just....well...I can stare at the wall...or go home where there's internet.
• Later on, Jordan was following me to Bible Study and I got too far ahead. Called his phone and it went straight to voicemail. Rats, his phone is dead. Does he remember how to get to bible study? Well he can't use GPS OR call me to figure it out. Maybe he stopped to grab a snack. *I ridiculously pace between the front door and the street.* Do I go looking for him?  Should I just start walking down the street and hope I can flag him down? Will he turn around and go home if he can't find it? Gosh, this is a ridiculous and helpless feeling. I'll call him and see if he's lost...UGH! *more pacing. WHAT DID PEOPLE DO BEFORE PHONES?! HOW AM I SO DEPENDENT? 
• Then my phone dies. Perfect. Jordan walks in a few minutes later. Phew. No thanks to cell phones.
• Driving home from Bible study I notice one of the main roads by our house has all the street lights off. Jeez, how cheap is Colorado Springs?! I know we save money by only turning on every other street light but now we're just blacking out entire roads. Pathetic. I pull up into my house only to discover that there's been a power outage. Great. And my phone now has 2% battery from charging in my car. How am I going to wake up tomorrow morning? WHAT DID PEOPLE DO BEFORE ALARM CLOCKS! 
• Power comes back on (praise the Lord). As I"m about to crawl in bed I remember I have towels that need to be dried. I pull them out of the wash only to notice they feel like I just left them at the bottom of the pool. Weird. Put them in the dryer after unintentionally mopping the floor with the excess water. Dryer makes an odd noise. Open it to discover spin cycle isn't working. I pop them back in the wash so they won't be too moldy and plan on drying them in the morning, Shortly after I find out from my roommate that both are broken. She recommends that I stop the wash and hang them to dry. Don't worry, spin cycle on the wash is broken too. I pull my sopping wet, soapy towels out of the washer. They resemble a blue dalmatian at this point because the detergent hasn't even been dispersed. Awesome. I drag the hot mess outside to hang over our deck to dry overnight only to find out that it's just started to rain. 

Sometimes you just have to just call it a day. 

How To Win the Parents Over

Boyfriend's parents.

Also known as "people that have not had to put up with you your whole life" or "people who may be very frightened once they get to know you."
 I get nervous when I meet important people that I really NEED to like me.  In my old world, I'm a fairly confident individual. My family has resided that they can't fix me and have somehow become use to my weird ways. I've had friends for over 20 years (my dad says he pays them), and they find my quirks endearing and they honestly don't know any different. 

Hence why spending time with  significant other's family scares the mess out of me. Endearing may not be the adjective they use.

I tend to say exactly what I'm thinking, no matter how brazen, offensive, quirky or just flat out inappropriate. My family and close friends think it's just so "Cam". Other people...not so much. 

I've tried to remind myself about volume control just in case what is about to come out of my mouth may not be well received. Only problem is I'm a terrible whisperer. Think God also left that out of my surplus of amazing talents ...along with grace, and a mental filter.

I was spending some quality time with Jordan's family a while back. Dinner had been great. I was clever, gracious, funny, but not innapropriate. Successfully got all my food in my mouth. Nope, wait. I didn't eat. Oh, except for the last minute asparagus I ordered. I'm sure the waitor accidentally dropped that on the ground when I ordered it right after she brought the check. Fail.
Don't worry, I ate it with my hands too. (SERIOUSLY...what's wrong with me!?)

Anyway, we were leaving the restaurant, casually walking along the promenade enjoying the delightful evening until it was interrupted by a shrill screaming. The kind that literally makes the hair on your neck stand on end. I think my hands creeped up to my ears and I made an awful face at Jordan.

I look over and there is a little girl just standing on a park bench screaming at the top of her lungs.

The poor parents passed and were all like "Haha, sometimes she just does that."

And I was all like...ummmmm are you kidding me!?

But instead I smiled and gave them the "Oh Kids" face (complete with slight chuckle and wink), however, I immediately turned to Jordan and whispered "I think my uterus just shrivelled up and DIED!"

Only, again, I don't whisper, and apparently his Dad has supersonic hearing, because much to my utter embarrassment I hear his Dad burst out laughing.

ARGH! Pretty sure you never want you're boyfriends parents to hear you say the word uterus at all, let alone with the word shrivel in the same sentence.

 Inwardly I wished could be anywhere but there, and Jordan was giving me that "Later I'm going to kill you face," masked by a slight smile.

That comment was what most parents want to hear out of the girl their son is dating. Promising right?

And just when I think it can't get worse Jordan's Dad rings out " SHARI you have to hear what Cam just said!! We need a quote board for this girl!"

I told him there were already too many of those in the world.

Sigh.



**This blog in no way depicts my feelings towards children, or having children one day. Just my feelings towards that one child in that one moment. Someone remind me of this when I have my own kids ;)** 

P.S. I forgot my lunch today.

Ever have those days where its a small victory to make it to work in one piece?

That's me everyday.

Sometimes I feel like I need an iPhone App that cheers every time I do a normal thing correct.

Put clothes on...all of them ( Hurrah!)

Brought my lunch today (Hurrah!)

Remembered where I parked my car (Hurrah!)

Apple, get on that App ASAP.

Maybe even after an especially challenging morning the App would alert all your appointments that day "Cameron has already accomplished so much beyond her usual power that she has the rest of the day off!" Go home, today has been a feat already! Congratulations.

No, but seriously ya'll....I really think there is a part of my brain that didn't develop...EVER. God must have been distracted when He was creating me and left a part out. That, or my mother ate too many rainbow Popsicles during development.

Today I ran out the door and left my purse.

How many years have I been carrying my purse? Oh, at least 10. But nope, this is the second time in two weeks I've forgotten it. Today I remembered as I was driving away; not so lucky last week.

I use to HATE carrying a purse when I was younger, so I think there are remnants of my 13 year old self who still refuses to believe I use a purse.

She wins on occasions.

Decided to cook dinner for my "family" out here. Bought all the groceries during my lunch break and reminded myself 10 times "Cam, don't forget to grab the groceries before you leave!"

Got all the way home...no groceries. I was babysitting so I had to take the baby, who we lovingly call "Bug", and had to drag her all the way to work. We were locked out so had to bang on someones window to let me in. Don't worry, I'd totally let a frazzled girl with a baby on her hip into the office building ...wouldn't you?

Had a Tri race this past weekend. I was putting on my wetsuit and realized I had put my sports bra on inside out *sigh*

It makes me slightly worried for my future kids...

There's already a running joke amongst my college friends that my kids will probably never wear shoes and will resemble Pig Pin from Peanuts and be perpetually followed by a looming cloud of dust.

I'm sorry kids.

These tendencies of mine make me fear the worst for my future, and thus I have decided to write small letter to my future kids. For those of you that know them one day, please remind them that their mother loves them and can't help that she is forgetful. You can tell them that I've always been this way.

Dear Future Children,

I'm sorry I put leashes on you. I will pay for the counseling you will probably need from the psychological damage that caused. Know that it wasn't because I was worried you would run away, but because I was afraid I would forget or lose you.

Love always,

Your Scattered Brained Mother

Home

Today I miss home. Georgia.

I know that home never stays the same. People are coming and going. Friends change. People get married. People move. Jobs transfer. However, there are those periods of time the Lord is kind and allows us to spend time, years, with people we love. We grow together. We laugh and cry. They know us; the good, the bad, and the weird.

Today is one of those days where I miss those moments. Those people.

Since I've been gone two of my best friends have gotten engaged.

Katie has had a special place in my heart since we shared an epic experience at a Christmas party back at UGA. After exam studying, a remainder of a bagel, and 4 years later not many can make me laugh like she can; or see deep into who I am. She's marrying my best friend from high school, and it makes me sad that I've missed her entire engagement.

Jamie is the pea in my pod. She's my cradle to grave friend. We've been friends for almost 20 years now. We've seen each other through the awkward middle school years, laughed our way through highschool and even followed each other to college, where I'm pretty sure we laughed harder. She was my dearest friend through those changing years. We even lived together after college when we tried to figure out what being a grown up looked like! I remember when she first met her fiance and how he wanted to "train" with us for our Triathlon. That was just the beginning for them. I have the blessing of being the maid of honor in her wedding and wish I could be with her leading up to her big day.

\

Mary and Patrick bought a new house! They were some of my first college friends and were such crucial people in my life during and after college.

I've had friends lose loved ones and not been able to hug their tears away.

Christina has had a baby. I never got to see her pregnant, but I know she was beautiful! And now I know she is a beautiful mother. I can't wait to meet her little Isa.

My brother is back from traveling Central America. I'll get to see him come October, but it will have been 8 months since I saw him last. That's the longest I've ever gone without seeing him in his 23 years.

These are the things that break my heart.

Life continues on after you leave, and I hate that I'm missing so many significant moments in the lives of people I love.

I know God has called me out here for now and I'm excited to see his plan unfold, but that doesn't mean this road is without tears or homesickness.

Today I miss the smell of Georgia clay after the rain.

I miss driving down country roads in Athens and sitting on the back porch during warm summer nights.

I miss being 30 minute drive from 99% of the people that I love the most.

I miss being able to hug family.

I miss lightning bugs and stormy afternoons.

I miss water and time at the lake.

I miss seeing UGA stickers.....I even miss seeing FL stickers. (sad right?)

I miss laughing till the tears come with people that know me the most.

I miss my church.

I miss the comfort of things that are known and familiar.

I miss the South.

I miss my mom's home cooked meals and being able to spend time with family.

I miss being able to talk about cities, roads, and people and having others know exactly who/what I'm talking about.

I miss the people I've known for years.

I miss home.

God's Entertainment

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole...hand someone a shovel and let them bury me.

I also think God is cruel...and that sometimes when He needs entertainment He removes all grace from my life, grabs some popcorn, yells for Michael and then they both sit back and watch.

I'm God's "How I Met Your Mother." or "Friends".
Yes. God would watch Friends, not Seinfeld. Just ask him.

Both my parents and the guy I'm dating's parents were in town this week. They missed each other by a DAY (high five, that was some excellent planning). Mine were out here to visit me since I've moved out to Colorado, and my boyfriends parents were moving his sister out here.
Anyway, it's been a fun week. Lots of laughter, horror stories from childhood, and several embarrassing moments.

It was fun having him meet my parents.

It was my worst nightmare meeting his.

Remember, I have no mental filter ( Word Vomit ) These are the things I have to worry about when meeting important people that haven't grown up with me, and don't understand I can't help it that I put my foot in my mouth often.
So we met briefly the first night and it was very easy and relaxing! They have an amazing family. Very welcoming and easy to be around! Walked away thinking, "That went great!".

So you know after you take a test that was really hard and you crammed, studied, downed some Red Bull and spent 3 hours taking it? You run out of the room, with a strong fist pump and think to yourself "ACED IT!"
Then you make the biggest mistake possible. You start comparing answers and talking to others who took it too.
Big mistake. HUGE.
Don't talk to anyone. You can't change your grade...or your answers. So remain in blissful ignorance until your teacher hands your test back and gives you a look that makes you wonder if you failed...AND have cancer. That look is always the worst.
But I digress.....the point of the analogy is that's what happened to me. Thought I did awesome...then I started really thinking about it and suddenly I was nervous about hearing the report back.
My decision that night...BEST foot forward at dinner tomorrow night. I had this. Parent's usually loved me. Just needed to keep up the good work, and I'll have made it through with flying colors.
Enter God and the removal of grace.

That night at a very nice dinner I was telling a pleasant, harmless story about how on vacation I love to read on the beach.
Simple enough right?
Nope.
It's me. Nothing is simple.
I'm not sure whether I was talking to fast or my bad habit of talking in accents kicked in, but instead of "beach" I let his family know that "I love to sit on the b#$*h and read.
Yup, the b#$%h.
There it was. Cursed in front of his parents. There was no taking it back. It was on the table and I felt myself sinking into the booth and my mother dying back in Georgia.

And oh, they caught it. His dad then proceeded to make a joke, thankfully rescuing me from infinite embarrassment.
But, I didn't want them to leave dinner and remember me from that incident. So right after dessert I made sure to "schmear" chocolate fondue across my forehead.
Don't worry his sister caught that and followed it with a point and laugh.

Then the clouds opened up and God said "I hate you Cameron." (Little Rascal's quote)