Humble Pie

I read a quote today that floored me. The blog was discussing how hard it is to ask for help and she wrote, “These requests may sound like no-brainers to some, but they were big, humbling moments for me. I like feeling strong. I’m prideful of my independence.”

And like a ton of bricks, it hit me. This is something I've been struggling with this past trimester. Not the pregnancy. Not the having to pee 18 times a night. Not that I seriously can’t see my upper thighs anymore (no one tell me how big they’re getting, I like the “ignorance is bliss” thing I’m rocking right now.)

Pride. Ugh. I hate even typing that. I know there is no sin that is greater than the other, but man I hate my battle with pride.

I've always been a pretty independent person. When you’re the oldest in a family of four, and the other 3 are very driven, hard-working boys, you naturally just learn “oh I can do this on my own.” Our family motto is “put your big girl panties on and deal with it.” Granted, I have a very understanding and loving family who will help each other at the drop of the hat, but we are all naturally just very independent. When we found out we were pregnant I think I had made an agreement with myself that I would not be someone who was helpless just because they were pregnant, and I've tried very hard to fight off extra help that was offered. I had one friend say she could get a ride from the airport by someone else if I was too tired. I about yelled at her. “I’m pregnant, NOT AN INVALID!”

Oh how naïve I was.

Pregnancy has taken my “I got this” attitude and thrown it out the window where it has been run over by at least 15 semi-trucks and I absolutely HATE it. I love being a problem solver. I love rising above issues and fixing them. I love that my husband doesn’t have to worry about me being able to take care of stuff; but pregnancy man, that will rob you of that. These past few weeks I have finally started to feel the weight, and I mean literal weight, of growing and carrying this sweet baby girl. Stairs kill me. I can’t lift things. I tire easily. And I hate to say this, but my hormones are making it harder to emotionally handle things as well. So when we found out two Fridays ago we were going to have to move out of our house due to mold abatement and construction (don’t worry, very minor mold, but it needed to GO!) I took the news as I do about most things in life and thought, “32 weeks pregnant…pshhh we got this!”

Ladies and Gentleman, let me clarify: we did NOT have it.

I was convinced I could pack up our house and get it moved all while the sweat glistened beautifully on my already glowing pregnancy face. People would be in awe. There would be cheering, and possibly a "Pregnant Woman of the Year" Award that I would graciously receive. 

False. 

I tried packing and was hit with Braxton hick’s contractions the entire time. They were so strong I had to set a timer to remind myself to rest so I could give my body a break and allow my abdomen to unclench.

This was my humbling moment. I couldn't do this.

 Thankfully, my wiser and more aware husband had called sweet friends to come help us pack. Later that week our awesome bible study cancelled our meeting so that the boys could come help Jordan move a ton of our furniture to our new house. Without questioning anything they immediately offered their help and showed up with their muscles and their servant’s hearts.

Living so far from family we are learning how much our friends and community HAVE to become our second family. We can’t fear asking for help, or admitting when things are hard. They are all we physically have out here; and sadly an understanding phone call from our parents isn't going to get the house packed up. It was truly beautiful to see so many friends come around us without a single complaint and with the biggest of hearts.

So as I sat on the couch during one of my breaks while I watched my friends pack up every last kitchen dish we had, I had to deal with myself. I felt weak. I felt lazy. I felt like I needed to explain why I was sitting on the couch. In my mind I was the fat lady sitting on the couch because packing up boxes was “too much”. It killed me. And ever so slowly I ate my humble pie (the whole pie) and learned what it was like to be vulnerable and let someone help me.

This is how the Lord designed it though; to help each other. To be there for each other! My independent personality is great in many areas, however, I realize it has caused me to miss out on receiving such a wonderful blessing that exists in the body of Christ.

So for the last few weeks of this pregnancy, I’m going to practice asking for help when I need it, and try not to do everything on my own.

However, I still think Jordan won’t shave my legs for me, so I may need to keep trying to attack that battle on my own ;) 

Adventures in Registering

Registering.

The thing every woman dreams about!! Oh, to go on a shopping spree where the possibilities are endless and there's no cap on how much you can say you want! Whether you get it all, well that's another part.
I've been so excited about this aspect, however, I found out that several married friends have kept a dark secret.

Jordan and I went browsing just to see what things we liked. I expected this to be the first of many future marital bliss moments I would experience with him. I picture something like a scene from a musical. We'd both go rushing to the same glasses....the same fabric colors...the same dishes and discover we love the same things! Then we'd laugh at each other and think, "Gosh we're perfect for each other aren't we." There'd be song, and probably even a dance with a tricky lift. Maybe the Pottery Barn employees would do a synchronized dance with baskets and napkin rings. Oh bliss. Oh happiness! We'd walk out of Pottery Barn hand in hand...the picture-perfect engaged couple.

Now for the dirty secret....
Registering is hard. It's slow...it's painstaking...it's two opinions being solidified into one. It's negotiating...it's crying....it's giving in (on his part). Pretty sure if you survive Registering then you can survive marriage.
Several of my friends responses when I asked them how their registering went:

• "Oh gosh. At one point I ended up sobbing on one of the beds in Bed, Bath & Beyond."
• "I let 'John' help, and then later went and changed everything to what I had originally wanted."
• "My husband was picky about the size of the spoons, the shape of cereal bowls. It took us forever to compromise!" 
• "'Jack' helped me in one store, and after that he refused to go with me again."

Now our experience hasn't been bad, but it definitely was different than I anticipated. I wanted to try so hard not to be that woman that doesn't take her husband opinion into consideration. I went in with an open mind. Surely Jordan and I have similar tastes right?

We walk into Pottery Barn and start looking over glassware:

Me: "Ok, looking at these options, which one is your favorite style?"
(I mentally look them over and pick out my LEAST favorite, then I relax knowing surely Jordan would agree with me when it was my turn. Surely, SURELY he wouldn't want our house to feel like Denny's.)

Jordan: "OH, I like these the best!"- Jordan points to the before mentioned LEAST favorite.

Sigh. Denny's. 

My heart drops. Ugh. These? No. The controlling side rises up in me and so strongly I want to say "Oh, that's sweet", pat his head..."We're actually not going to go with those. But thanks for playing." 

I try to be stronger. 

Me: "Oh ok...we'll maybe we can find something similar but not those particular ones." 
Jordan: "You don't like them do you," he states very matter of fact. 
Me: " I didn't say that..." 
Jordan: "But you don't..." 

Oh, don't push me!

Me: "Well what do you like about these?"
Jordan explains his reasoning. Good reasons.

Me: "Sounds good!" I lead him towards the door to leave Pottery Barn and this discussion..."We'll look around and find something with those qualities." 
Jordan: "You really hate those glasses don't you?" 

I crumble.

Me: "Oh sweet Jesus YES! I understand you want something durable and we will find that, but those glasses will not be in our home. Ever. The End. " 

Jordan smiles. He broke me.

Granted I will say I have sense been swayed to a similar style at another store. The durability really is a KEY factor :) See...compromise!

Next time I'll share about the specific shape of cereal bowls that my lactose-intolerant fiance insists we have and how we are changing our bedding selection upon the discovery that there were birds in the pattern.

The Day Technology Went On Strike

Today technology went on strike. I don't truly believe that technology has that kind of human capability, but after today I'm pretty sure I have underestimated it. Let's review in bullet points:

• Got to work this morning only to find out that construction near our office cut our internet lines. Eh, I don't have to check on my email right now. Not a big deal, I'll just do work in our CSM...oh wait, we access that through the internet. Well, while I wait for internet I'll just browse some blogs...hmmm, no. Well I'll just....well...I can stare at the wall...or go home where there's internet.
• Later on, Jordan was following me to Bible Study and I got too far ahead. Called his phone and it went straight to voicemail. Rats, his phone is dead. Does he remember how to get to bible study? Well he can't use GPS OR call me to figure it out. Maybe he stopped to grab a snack. *I ridiculously pace between the front door and the street.* Do I go looking for him?  Should I just start walking down the street and hope I can flag him down? Will he turn around and go home if he can't find it? Gosh, this is a ridiculous and helpless feeling. I'll call him and see if he's lost...UGH! *more pacing. WHAT DID PEOPLE DO BEFORE PHONES?! HOW AM I SO DEPENDENT? 
• Then my phone dies. Perfect. Jordan walks in a few minutes later. Phew. No thanks to cell phones.
• Driving home from Bible study I notice one of the main roads by our house has all the street lights off. Jeez, how cheap is Colorado Springs?! I know we save money by only turning on every other street light but now we're just blacking out entire roads. Pathetic. I pull up into my house only to discover that there's been a power outage. Great. And my phone now has 2% battery from charging in my car. How am I going to wake up tomorrow morning? WHAT DID PEOPLE DO BEFORE ALARM CLOCKS! 
• Power comes back on (praise the Lord). As I"m about to crawl in bed I remember I have towels that need to be dried. I pull them out of the wash only to notice they feel like I just left them at the bottom of the pool. Weird. Put them in the dryer after unintentionally mopping the floor with the excess water. Dryer makes an odd noise. Open it to discover spin cycle isn't working. I pop them back in the wash so they won't be too moldy and plan on drying them in the morning, Shortly after I find out from my roommate that both are broken. She recommends that I stop the wash and hang them to dry. Don't worry, spin cycle on the wash is broken too. I pull my sopping wet, soapy towels out of the washer. They resemble a blue dalmatian at this point because the detergent hasn't even been dispersed. Awesome. I drag the hot mess outside to hang over our deck to dry overnight only to find out that it's just started to rain. 

Sometimes you just have to just call it a day. 

How To Win the Parents Over

Boyfriend's parents.

Also known as "people that have not had to put up with you your whole life" or "people who may be very frightened once they get to know you."
 I get nervous when I meet important people that I really NEED to like me.  In my old world, I'm a fairly confident individual. My family has resided that they can't fix me and have somehow become use to my weird ways. I've had friends for over 20 years (my dad says he pays them), and they find my quirks endearing and they honestly don't know any different. 

Hence why spending time with  significant other's family scares the mess out of me. Endearing may not be the adjective they use.

I tend to say exactly what I'm thinking, no matter how brazen, offensive, quirky or just flat out inappropriate. My family and close friends think it's just so "Cam". Other people...not so much. 

I've tried to remind myself about volume control just in case what is about to come out of my mouth may not be well received. Only problem is I'm a terrible whisperer. Think God also left that out of my surplus of amazing talents ...along with grace, and a mental filter.

I was spending some quality time with Jordan's family a while back. Dinner had been great. I was clever, gracious, funny, but not innapropriate. Successfully got all my food in my mouth. Nope, wait. I didn't eat. Oh, except for the last minute asparagus I ordered. I'm sure the waitor accidentally dropped that on the ground when I ordered it right after she brought the check. Fail.
Don't worry, I ate it with my hands too. (SERIOUSLY...what's wrong with me!?)

Anyway, we were leaving the restaurant, casually walking along the promenade enjoying the delightful evening until it was interrupted by a shrill screaming. The kind that literally makes the hair on your neck stand on end. I think my hands creeped up to my ears and I made an awful face at Jordan.

I look over and there is a little girl just standing on a park bench screaming at the top of her lungs.

The poor parents passed and were all like "Haha, sometimes she just does that."

And I was all like...ummmmm are you kidding me!?

But instead I smiled and gave them the "Oh Kids" face (complete with slight chuckle and wink), however, I immediately turned to Jordan and whispered "I think my uterus just shrivelled up and DIED!"

Only, again, I don't whisper, and apparently his Dad has supersonic hearing, because much to my utter embarrassment I hear his Dad burst out laughing.

ARGH! Pretty sure you never want you're boyfriends parents to hear you say the word uterus at all, let alone with the word shrivel in the same sentence.

 Inwardly I wished could be anywhere but there, and Jordan was giving me that "Later I'm going to kill you face," masked by a slight smile.

That comment was what most parents want to hear out of the girl their son is dating. Promising right?

And just when I think it can't get worse Jordan's Dad rings out " SHARI you have to hear what Cam just said!! We need a quote board for this girl!"

I told him there were already too many of those in the world.

Sigh.



**This blog in no way depicts my feelings towards children, or having children one day. Just my feelings towards that one child in that one moment. Someone remind me of this when I have my own kids ;)** 

P.S. I forgot my lunch today.

Ever have those days where its a small victory to make it to work in one piece?

That's me everyday.

Sometimes I feel like I need an iPhone App that cheers every time I do a normal thing correct.

Put clothes on...all of them ( Hurrah!)

Brought my lunch today (Hurrah!)

Remembered where I parked my car (Hurrah!)

Apple, get on that App ASAP.

Maybe even after an especially challenging morning the App would alert all your appointments that day "Cameron has already accomplished so much beyond her usual power that she has the rest of the day off!" Go home, today has been a feat already! Congratulations.

No, but seriously ya'll....I really think there is a part of my brain that didn't develop...EVER. God must have been distracted when He was creating me and left a part out. That, or my mother ate too many rainbow Popsicles during development.

Today I ran out the door and left my purse.

How many years have I been carrying my purse? Oh, at least 10. But nope, this is the second time in two weeks I've forgotten it. Today I remembered as I was driving away; not so lucky last week.

I use to HATE carrying a purse when I was younger, so I think there are remnants of my 13 year old self who still refuses to believe I use a purse.

She wins on occasions.

Decided to cook dinner for my "family" out here. Bought all the groceries during my lunch break and reminded myself 10 times "Cam, don't forget to grab the groceries before you leave!"

Got all the way home...no groceries. I was babysitting so I had to take the baby, who we lovingly call "Bug", and had to drag her all the way to work. We were locked out so had to bang on someones window to let me in. Don't worry, I'd totally let a frazzled girl with a baby on her hip into the office building ...wouldn't you?

Had a Tri race this past weekend. I was putting on my wetsuit and realized I had put my sports bra on inside out *sigh*

It makes me slightly worried for my future kids...

There's already a running joke amongst my college friends that my kids will probably never wear shoes and will resemble Pig Pin from Peanuts and be perpetually followed by a looming cloud of dust.

I'm sorry kids.

These tendencies of mine make me fear the worst for my future, and thus I have decided to write small letter to my future kids. For those of you that know them one day, please remind them that their mother loves them and can't help that she is forgetful. You can tell them that I've always been this way.

Dear Future Children,

I'm sorry I put leashes on you. I will pay for the counseling you will probably need from the psychological damage that caused. Know that it wasn't because I was worried you would run away, but because I was afraid I would forget or lose you.

Love always,

Your Scattered Brained Mother

Home

Today I miss home. Georgia.

I know that home never stays the same. People are coming and going. Friends change. People get married. People move. Jobs transfer. However, there are those periods of time the Lord is kind and allows us to spend time, years, with people we love. We grow together. We laugh and cry. They know us; the good, the bad, and the weird.

Today is one of those days where I miss those moments. Those people.

Since I've been gone two of my best friends have gotten engaged.

Katie has had a special place in my heart since we shared an epic experience at a Christmas party back at UGA. After exam studying, a remainder of a bagel, and 4 years later not many can make me laugh like she can; or see deep into who I am. She's marrying my best friend from high school, and it makes me sad that I've missed her entire engagement.

Jamie is the pea in my pod. She's my cradle to grave friend. We've been friends for almost 20 years now. We've seen each other through the awkward middle school years, laughed our way through highschool and even followed each other to college, where I'm pretty sure we laughed harder. She was my dearest friend through those changing years. We even lived together after college when we tried to figure out what being a grown up looked like! I remember when she first met her fiance and how he wanted to "train" with us for our Triathlon. That was just the beginning for them. I have the blessing of being the maid of honor in her wedding and wish I could be with her leading up to her big day.

\

Mary and Patrick bought a new house! They were some of my first college friends and were such crucial people in my life during and after college.

I've had friends lose loved ones and not been able to hug their tears away.

Christina has had a baby. I never got to see her pregnant, but I know she was beautiful! And now I know she is a beautiful mother. I can't wait to meet her little Isa.

My brother is back from traveling Central America. I'll get to see him come October, but it will have been 8 months since I saw him last. That's the longest I've ever gone without seeing him in his 23 years.

These are the things that break my heart.

Life continues on after you leave, and I hate that I'm missing so many significant moments in the lives of people I love.

I know God has called me out here for now and I'm excited to see his plan unfold, but that doesn't mean this road is without tears or homesickness.

Today I miss the smell of Georgia clay after the rain.

I miss driving down country roads in Athens and sitting on the back porch during warm summer nights.

I miss being 30 minute drive from 99% of the people that I love the most.

I miss being able to hug family.

I miss lightning bugs and stormy afternoons.

I miss water and time at the lake.

I miss seeing UGA stickers.....I even miss seeing FL stickers. (sad right?)

I miss laughing till the tears come with people that know me the most.

I miss my church.

I miss the comfort of things that are known and familiar.

I miss the South.

I miss my mom's home cooked meals and being able to spend time with family.

I miss being able to talk about cities, roads, and people and having others know exactly who/what I'm talking about.

I miss the people I've known for years.

I miss home.

God's Entertainment

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole...hand someone a shovel and let them bury me.

I also think God is cruel...and that sometimes when He needs entertainment He removes all grace from my life, grabs some popcorn, yells for Michael and then they both sit back and watch.

I'm God's "How I Met Your Mother." or "Friends".
Yes. God would watch Friends, not Seinfeld. Just ask him.

Both my parents and the guy I'm dating's parents were in town this week. They missed each other by a DAY (high five, that was some excellent planning). Mine were out here to visit me since I've moved out to Colorado, and my boyfriends parents were moving his sister out here.
Anyway, it's been a fun week. Lots of laughter, horror stories from childhood, and several embarrassing moments.

It was fun having him meet my parents.

It was my worst nightmare meeting his.

Remember, I have no mental filter ( Word Vomit ) These are the things I have to worry about when meeting important people that haven't grown up with me, and don't understand I can't help it that I put my foot in my mouth often.
So we met briefly the first night and it was very easy and relaxing! They have an amazing family. Very welcoming and easy to be around! Walked away thinking, "That went great!".

So you know after you take a test that was really hard and you crammed, studied, downed some Red Bull and spent 3 hours taking it? You run out of the room, with a strong fist pump and think to yourself "ACED IT!"
Then you make the biggest mistake possible. You start comparing answers and talking to others who took it too.
Big mistake. HUGE.
Don't talk to anyone. You can't change your grade...or your answers. So remain in blissful ignorance until your teacher hands your test back and gives you a look that makes you wonder if you failed...AND have cancer. That look is always the worst.
But I digress.....the point of the analogy is that's what happened to me. Thought I did awesome...then I started really thinking about it and suddenly I was nervous about hearing the report back.
My decision that night...BEST foot forward at dinner tomorrow night. I had this. Parent's usually loved me. Just needed to keep up the good work, and I'll have made it through with flying colors.
Enter God and the removal of grace.

That night at a very nice dinner I was telling a pleasant, harmless story about how on vacation I love to read on the beach.
Simple enough right?
Nope.
It's me. Nothing is simple.
I'm not sure whether I was talking to fast or my bad habit of talking in accents kicked in, but instead of "beach" I let his family know that "I love to sit on the b#$*h and read.
Yup, the b#$%h.
There it was. Cursed in front of his parents. There was no taking it back. It was on the table and I felt myself sinking into the booth and my mother dying back in Georgia.

And oh, they caught it. His dad then proceeded to make a joke, thankfully rescuing me from infinite embarrassment.
But, I didn't want them to leave dinner and remember me from that incident. So right after dessert I made sure to "schmear" chocolate fondue across my forehead.
Don't worry his sister caught that and followed it with a point and laugh.

Then the clouds opened up and God said "I hate you Cameron." (Little Rascal's quote)

A Brisk Day

Cold.

Georgia can't touch Colorado cold.


I remember last month during snowpocalypse (What happens when Georgia gets 5 inches of snow and has only a few snow plows) I thought I knew what snow and cold weather was. We had walked in the snow to find firewood and had survived being snowed into our little Atlanta house for at least 3 days.
We were hardened Northerners. Professional Eskimos. We knew winter could be ugly, and we had finally gotten a taste of it below the Mason-Dixon line.


So wrong. So very wrong.


Enter Colorado.

Not even our second week out here we were getting temperatures lower than locals had seen in 14 years. (of course, right?)

My roommates and I cried reading the forecast: -14.

windchill..............-41.

-41! -41!! I didn't know that temperature existed! That's what we say when we're exaggerating in the South when we think it's cold outside.

"Is it cold out!?"

"YES! Gosh it's like -20 out there!" Real temperature: balmy 33 degrees.



When windchill is at -41 degrees your professors forbid you to run outside because your lungs can literally freeze. Not gonna lie, I'm thinking anyone stupid enough to WANT to run outside when it feels like this probably needs to die. Survival of the fittest anyone? I barely wanted to get out of bed, let alone go run in that madness.

At -41 degrees windchill your teeth hurt when you smile, therefore you stick to solely breathing out of your nose. Oh, but I forgot to mention, also at this temperature your nose hairs immediately freeze together. Both of these options being awkwardly uncomfortable usually results in people immediately starting to whine and cry upon first stepping outside trying to figure out how to function. You also run from your apartment to your car. At this temperature, you don't tend to linger long.


To make life more fun, Colorado snow doesn't lovingly drift towards the ground. This snow is angry and bitter and usually accompanied by intense horizontal winds that turn those cute snowflakes into death pellets. Just when you think -41 degrees can't get much worse.....having snow catapulted into your eye sockets doesn't feel that great either.

In all seriousness, it really has been pretty out here! Colorado for the most part has looked like an eternal Christmas card, or even a snow globe. It's gorgeous and peaceful. However, when those temps hit the negatives, snow globe turns to snow DEATH and suddenly I don't feel much like playing outside anymore.


On those days, we have found ways to entertain ourselves.......

Kansas

Had a friend tell me today that he thinks God created America from West to East, and that somewhere in the middle He got worn out so He incorporated 500 miles of wasteland. Now that I've almost driven completely across that state I'd have to agree.
Creative wasteland.
Nothing but fields; not even cattle, just land. Perhaps an occasional frozen lake, maybe.
And man was it dark.
Some of the darkest dark possible; which happens when there's nothing.
I would look in my side view mirrors and only see blackness, then experience a minor panic attack that I've lost my vision only to remember that I'm fine, there are just no headlights as far as the eyes can see.
No highway lights.
No stars.
No one else.
No nothing.

Driving on a highway alone at 8 pm is an experience that is rare after living in Atlanta. All I could see was full moon reflecting off snowy Kansas fields.
I believed that if I stopped the car and unrolled my windows I could possibly hear miles and miles of silence.
It was beautiful.
These kind of road trips are relaxing to me. Conversation ebbs and flows with Lauren as we drive across the bread basket of America.
Subjects ranging from deep discussion on forgiveness and forgetting, to cookies and attractive country singers. Thoughtful reflections while blaring One Republic and Mumford & Sons and quickly skipping over Black Eyed Peas simply because three times in one hour was more than we could take.
Car dances would occur and once again fade into a random conversation that would take both of us drifting into what this new season would hold.
Promises of change.
Wiser choices.
More miles.
Embracing newness instead of locking our knees.
Adventure and laughter.

Depth would dissolve into hunger as we'd rummage for my grandmothers chocolate chip cookies, a traveling staple, and count the miles till Kansas City BBQ.
Pit stops were always at Cracker Barrel. Where else could you use the bathroom and experience childhood nostalgia? The perfect storm.
I came out of the restroom to find Lauren lost amongst the Yankee Candles, proudly stating, "I've smelled ALL of them. Now let me tell you which ones are great and why."

This is why I love Lauren. This is why she came on this trip. To get lost smelling candles in a Cracker Barrel in the middle of Kansas.

We spent ten minutes smelling them and naming what memory, holiday, food or person each one smelled like. One smelled like men's aftershave or body wash.
Clean. Crisp. Rugged.
We breathed deeply, then quickly shelved it mutually agreeing that smell was dangerous.
Others smelled of Thanksgiving, clean laundry, beach memories, and my personal favorite: a cozy fire in a log cabin.
Yes, that's a smell. Blend of wood, cinnamon, and all things warm.

We returned to the 4Runner, which has become an extension of our bodies due to the last 14 hours we've spent in it. Mumford & Sons is turned up, and we head back into the dark nothingness.
I don't mind it anymore. It's restful.
Creates space for contemplation, and allows peace to creep in.
Lauren reads chapters from a book that spawn interesting questions, and even deeper thought.
Black eyed peas gets changed again and we settle into the haunting, relaxing sound of Brooke Fraser.
Road trips can be simple.
Sometimes the choice to find joy in the simple things makes all the difference. Simple things like, darkness and Yankee candles.

amen

Ahh...life is good.

God is better.

Amen.

-Katie Whitmire

Camping/Climbing Recap

Had the opportunity to go camping with my brothers and some of their friends up in Tennessee! It was the best weather I've ever camped in. Went climbing at Leda and bouldering at LRC. This was my first time outdoor climbing...absolute blast! My spirit was so happy to just be outside all weekend enjoying this season!
Bullet thoughts from our trip:
- Tennessee is absolutely GORGEOUS this time of year. The mountains looked like Fruity Pebbles
-We went to the top of one of the mountains and just stopped the cars to look into the valley...the car was silent.
-There's something extremely easy and relaxing about being with boys. They're so flexible, low maintenance and always up for anything. I appreciate that about that gender!
-Never have I ever smelled something more rank than climbing shoes. The combo of foot sweat and the material makes for the most potent smell...similar to old cheese. I gagged and lost years from my life after smelling Harrison's.
-The beauty of camping is that you can feel gross and dirty but it's OK..because you're in the woods...and so is everybody else.
-I noticed there's a great camaraderie amongst other climbers. Everyone is extremely helpful and offers advice and encouragement on how to solve problems when climbing. I love when strangers are helpful and friendly...
-I love laughing till my side hurts...I really love laughing and watching other people lose it and tears stream down their face.
-Turkey bacon, although healthy, does NOT cook well in a pan while camping...Mike almost died of smoke inhalation and then almost killed those who bought the turkey bacon.
-Don't ever be the one who suggests turkey bacon.
-Pomegranates are not camping fruit. Delicious...but it will take you 20 minutes to eat. You will also end up with juice all over your face and hair.
-There are so many spiritual analogies in climbing:
Everyone climbs the same routes.
People use chalk so they don't lose their grip when climbing the boulders....this chalk leaves marks of how people have climbed before.
Routes you climb are called "problems" and you "solve" it when you reach the top of the climb.
You look at the "problem" and observe where the chalk is to best decide how to "solve" it based on what you know...and how you can see others have climbed.
You cannot climb alone.
Friends must spot you in case you fall and crash mats soften the blow to the ground.
Others encourage you as you climb. Reminding you of how strong you are....how you will complete the climb.
People help point out significant grabs and foot holds that they can see because they can see the whole rock....and you're sometimes too close to see.
When someone solves a problem, after hours of trying, everyone cheers and congratulates you!
Nothing feels better than finishing!
-Bouldering and life....very similar.
-It's great when you can have multiple ages spanning up to 8 years, but everyone can relate and enjoy each other.
-It was great to watch the older, experienced guys in the group lead everyone by example...and lead well.
-I wish I could bottle the smell of a campfire.
-Wal-mart makes the worlds largest marshmallows!! I couldn't play "Chubby Bunny" with even one in my mouth! Hank and Harrison managed 2....
-Cheeburger Cheeburger is the ONLY way to finish off a great weekend.
-It's amazing how sore your forearms can be....and your back, and abs, and triceps, and fingers! (list goes on ...)
-Nothing rejuvenates me more than spending a beautiful day outside enjoying creation....this weekend, we could not have asked for more! We came....we played....we laughed....we were exhausted.
Thank you Lord for blessings like this weekend.

Few things....

I was tagged to do this by a dear friend Mary(http://newthingscoming.blogspot.com/). She's the kind of person that loves when you respond to this. It's her love language...along with hookahs, long walks, fuzzy navels, and most junk food. So Mary, since I love you.....



1. What actress would you want to play you in a movie?

Based on who I get told I "supposedly" look like.... probably Brittany Spears. However, since her ONE acting gig was super successful, I'm fairly certain the movie would flop in theatres and go straight to DVD.
I would LOVE for Rachel McAdams to play me in a movie. She can play quirky characters and I think could handle my personality. However, looks wise, this would end up being similar to a PC Windows7 commercial, where the actors playing the flash backs look RIDICULOUS and nothing like the actual person.

I'm kinda OK with this.

2. Who is your favorite author and what is your favorite book by them?

Tricky question. Based on my childhood obsession with Anne of Green Gables, I would say L. M. Montgomery. I read all of those books! And yes, she wrote more than just Anne of Green Gables. I read them multiple times; dreamed about them; wanted to BE the character Anne. I even signed notes to my best friend growing up "Anne". Looking back, I'm going to agree that was very creepy, but the books obviously had a big impact on me.

3. Where would you go on a dream vacation?

Anywhere warm and tropical or that would involve an umbrella in my drink.
Or Greece.
Or Tuscany.
Definitely Saint Lucia....or any island with the name starting in "Saint"


4. What are you most afraid of?

On a non-realistic, nightmarish way...I'm terrified of being chased and not being able to get away. I have escape routes planned out in my head if I ever find myself feeling slightly threatened.

On a day to day basis, I'm afraid of wasting time and experiences. Going through something and missing the lesson, or the take away. Possibly missing what the Lord had for me in a certain experience.

5. If you could have all your friends on a deserted island, what are three things you would all do together?
Laugh
Probably play a wicked game of hide and go seek
Pretend we were on Survivor

6. What's something people don't know about you?

When I was in middle school, I loved to write. I wrote all the time.
I started to write a book (that I swore would be published) and with any spare time, I would lose myself in writing it. I have 3-4 journals FULL of those writings and carried them everywhere with me.
It's the perfect example of a middle school girl in written form. They also have so many spelling and grammatical errors it would make any English teacher CRY.
I never let anyone read it except for one of my friends, and occasionally my mother.


They are hidden at my parents house.


My mother threatens to read it at my wedding.

It may even sound very similar to Anne of Green Gables. (told you I loved that book)

7. What is your guilty pleasure?

In college I watched Stargate Atlantis (sci-fi TV show).
Maybe even all of the seasons on DVD.
My roommates found out and still mercilessly tease me.
*shame

Also, if given the opportunity, I would sit in a hot bath until my skin looked like a raisin; or shower till all the hot water is gone.
I love being in hot water. It's SO wasteful....but my favorite way to decompress and think.

Are you ready?

What a loaded question. I've realized over the past couple weeks, we ask this question a lot.

Are you ready ........

to be married?
to have the baby?
to move?
to graduate?
to race?

My answer is usually "umm, no", especially in reference to the race I have on Sunday with several friends. The running theme in our emails tends to be "By the way, I'm not ready!"

The thing about life, events, changes, etc is that they are all unpredictable. We live in an ever changing, surprising world. We never know what will happen. Thankfully God is sovereign and with us. "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10
But, that question still really made me think:

Are you ever ready for a race?
What does ready look like?
Am I ever really ready for anything?

I was READY for college. I was ready for the freedom, for the independence, for the memories, for growing up, for friends I would keep for a lifetime, for laughter that makes the tears come.
But I really wasn't ready.

I was not ready for:

studying for hours on end and not being able to "wing" a test.
the Freshman 15.
depression my Sophomore year.
heart break.
having friends die.
hard lessons that changed me forever.

or

such a sweet time of personal growth.
experiences that I will remember and cherish forever.
traveling to five different countries and "living" for a time in Costa Rica.
getting to know the Lord in the most real way I'd ever experienced.
laughing for two years straight with my roommates.

That's the interesting thing about changes and new seasons....you can never truely be ready. The more I've thought about it, I feel like the question "Are you ready" pertains to entering a state of mind where maybe you're not "ready" for the next step, but you're ready to move from where you are at present.

You may not be ready for marriage, but you're ready to be done with the restrictions and stress of engagement and the single life.
You're not ready for college, but you're ready to move past high school and it's limitations.
You're not ready to raise a child, but you're ready to be through with the discomfort of carrying a life inside of you for 9 months.
You're not ready for a race, but you're ready to be done with the pressure, time and energy it takes to train.

We're never ready for what's ahead because the possibilities are too endless! However, the unpredictability is what makes this life such a beautiful adventure! Life happens when you have pushed through the growing pains of one season, and although the future is unclear, you are intrigued and excited enough to take those steps and see what happens....come what may.

So, on a minor scale (my race) and major scale (life decisions) "Am I ready?"

No. But I'm excited to see what happens....

Word Vomit

I tend to be someone who will accidentally say what they are thinking.

OK, maybe not on accident. But I will verbalize them before giving my brain a moment to proof read the words that are about to fly out of my mouth.

This lovely habit has been the root of many embarrassing stories. Stories my longest and dearest friends will be the first to make sure you've heard.

However, this weekend, I allowed my word vomit to happen in the hopes of rescuing me. For the first time ever, it didn't work!

I'll set the scene:

Athens on Game Day.

A man that is closer in age to my mother had been talking to my roommate and myself throughout the tailgate and afterwards while we were waiting to meet up with some other friends.

We had mutual friends so there was no ending these conversations.

After attempting to "hit on" my roommate, who has boyfriend, he then moved on to me.

Lucky me.

I had just spent the better part of 5 minutes letting this man know that I was not his type, and would BORE him to tears if he were to take me out. Never have I ever tried to make myself sound boring to someone before! But when you're not interested, suddenly you will tell someone ANYTHING to get them to leave you alone.

Sir, I have 10 cats.
Really??
Will it make you leave me alone?
Maybe.
Then yes. I have 10 cats. They all sleep with me, and I call them all Kitty.
(Next time I'll try this approach.)

But I digress....

He was 40 going on 23. Also, not in the least bit close to having qualities of a guy I would go to dinner with.

At this point I'm getting desperate.

He is not getting the idea. He's draping his arm around my shoulder. I send "Help ME!" eyes to my friends, but alas, they are watching the TN v. FL game.

The music is loud. No one could even probably hear my cries for "Help" if I wanted to send out a verbal signal!

And that's when it happens. Life throws me a bone. The word vomit and habit of RIDICULOUS things happening to me provides an out!

This is how the last conversation transpires: (Remember, music is LOUD)

"You really need to get over this whole 'age' thing" - guy

" AIDS??? What AIDS thing??"- me

"When did we start talking about AIDS?" -me

"Do YOU have AIDS!!??" -me

(At this point it hits me. I just asked almost a complete stranger probably the most personal question there is. Likelihood of offending him: High. My next thought....GOOD!)

"NO! Not AIDS.....AGE!" - guy

I'm sure that he will leave me alone now. I just asked this guy if he had AIDS. I'm saved! No one recovers from that kind of question.

"You're not leaving here without giving me your number."- guy

Sigh. Word Vomit FAIL. Seriously sir?? I just asked you if you have AIDS.

5 minutes later I left.

I gave no one my number.

One day I will write a book. This story will be in it. Along with so many others that I only wish I could blog about.
But why ruin the surprise?

"Forever Young"

Myrtle Beach 2010

May the good Lord be with you

Down every road you roam.




And may sunshine and happiness



Surround you when you're far from home.







May you grow to be proud








Dignified and true







And do unto others





As you'd have done to you.




Be courageous and be brave

And in my heart you'll always stay

Forever young.

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there in their midst."

Matthew 18:20

Midtown, thank you for the fellowship, encouragement, love, laughter, and the joy of staying young at heart!
until next trip....

Ode to my Boys

They say to fully understand someone, you have to know where they came from.

Me, I'm the oldest of 4. The oldest of three younger brothers. Three younger brothers with strong, crazy, boy personalities. I've always told people that once you met my family, you'd understand.

My poor mother. I'm sure she tried, prayed, cried over trying to make sure I grew up some what feminine. There's only so much you can do when you're surrounded by boys all the time. When other girls were having tea parties and playing dress up I was rolling down our yard in giant refrigerator boxes, drawing beards on with my mothers eye liner pencil, and building forts that rivaled Fort Sumter. Our version of dress up was putting on my dad's clothes, which swallowed us, and then stuffing the extra room with pillows pretending to be fat people. Then we would eat cheesy poofs and wander around the house completely amused by ourselves.

My mother tried her hardest to protect the little girl inside of me that was emotionally squished due to the amount of testosterone that I grew up with. My bows always matched my dresses, and oh, there were ALWAYS bows. My hair was curled, when she figured out how to manage it, and my socks had frills that covered my entire shoe.

However....

Currently my toe nail is a lovely shade of violet charcoal. I would name it "violent midnight" if I had to pick some sort of weird, eclectic nail polish color.

Did I get a pedicure?

Nope.

Dropped my brothers kayak on it......3 months ago.

Mom, you did well. I can throw on a little black dress and wear heals with the best of them. However, if you know me at all, you know I'm ten times more "Cam" in Chacos, athletic clothes (preferably spandex), and wandering somewhere outside.

I blame this partly on him.

Oldest of my brothers and someone I could spend hours upon days at a time with and never grow tired of. He loves adventure and the outdoors just as much as I do and does a great job of calling me into it more. He'll be competing in his first Triathlon with me in October!

And these are the other two. They're just as crazy, and jacked.

We've gone shooting with semi automatics....

Climbed on the roof during a lightning storm to watch the splendor race across the sky.


Rolled kayaks in the pool. (also during a thunderstorm. Mom really hates when we do this)


Almost wrecked snowmobiles in Jackson Hole....




Mastered the art of racing sleeping bags down the basement stairs.


Ridden big wheels down a side walk and off the dock into the lake.


and countless other crazy memories...


As I've gotten older I've realized just how much I appreciate the crazy, boy dominated, adventuresome family I grew up in. It played such a huge part in who I am, and also the things I enjoy now. So, thank you brothers. Thank you for playing a huge part in who I am today by being who you are! Life wouldn't be as fun or as wonderful without you!

Love,
Sister Bear

L to R: Parker (aka P-Rimz), Mitchell (Mitchy Man), Harrison (Brother Bear)

Dear Sir

Dear Sir in tight, small, yellow sophie shorts,
I respect your self expression via your work-out out fit. However, it makes me uncomfortable that your shorts are so vibrant, and also shorter than my own. When paired with your black tank top, I will agree you would make most Tech fans very happy and you slightly remind me of a chubby bumble bee. However, us being in a class like Body Pump where there is movement and stretching involved, your outfit tends to make me slightly nervous. Also, yellow shows sweat stains debatably worse than grey....

I fear that if there was an "incident" it would be something I would possibly need therapy for later; therapy I can't afford at the moment.

I also fear, that your shorts will be something I would have to tell my future husband about as a part of my "past".

I fear that you would show up to Yoga in this outfit, and in that case, I could run crying from the room.

I fear that the other men in our class will think "What a great idea! Sophie Shorts!" and that trend will catch on and then I will have to Body Pump with a blind fold on. Perhaps it would be yellow so that I would match everyone else.

These are my thoughts. Know that I write this letter in utter and complete respect....and also fear, as stated above. Please take my concerns into consideration the next time you select your Body Pump shorts.

Sincerely,
Monday Night Body Pump Class Attendee

Yoga

So many people think yoga is a peaceful, spiritual experience. These are my thoughts during yoga class and why I do not get closer to the Lord during this time:

How many downward dogs are we going to do?

Chataranga down to upward dog....chataranga to downward dog.....what is this a dance move??

This feels inappropriate...and probably looks inappropriate

Man the guys next to me are sweating a lot...

Should I be sweating?

Why am I not sweating?

I cannot physically do this position...my legs was not meant to bend this way!!

Oh no the instructor is coming over to correct my form!

This hurts!

No Chuck, that didn't feel good...please put my hips back where they belonged!!

My mat is too close to Jamie's.

If she falls over, she's going to sit on my head.

Hope she doesn't have indigestion.

Hope I don't have indigestion!

Yes I will attempt the headstand position!! Now this I can do!

Oh I can't do this!!

Whops...my shirt is falling down over my head...this is inappropriate.

Wait, every guy here is gay. Never mind.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Jamie looks hilarious.

*giggles

I look hilarious.

*giggles.

Pretty sure our instructor does not appreciate the humor we find in Bird of Paradise.

Namaste.

Unfailing Love

What would happen if you knew you were truly and deeply loved? Not liked, not tolerated, not forced; but out of choice, no strings attached, head over heals, deeply loved.
You'd walk with confidence. You'd live freely knowing that there was someone who intimately knew you and all your hang ups and loved you in spite of them.
There was nothing you could do to change that love. Nothing you could do or say to make them love you more or less.
It was an unselfish love. Love expecting nothing in return. Love with no conditions. That kind of love is powerful. That love protects. That kind of love would want only good things for you.
I have never loved like this. I will try over and over, but my imperfect human nature will foul me up every time.
We've all heard this before. That's only a love the Lord can have for us. If I had a quarter for every time I heard "God loves you" growing up....well, I would never work again. We even had a catchy song to help us remember:
Jesus loves me this I know.

But yesterday I realized...I know, but does that mean I believe it? Truly believe? Truly trust that?
My hairstylist said something super profound this week to me, I don't think he realized how hard it really hit me. We were talking about listening to the Lord and he said, "You can listen to someone but not really hear them. Listening and hearing are two different things."
So is knowing and believing.
I KNOW 6 cups of coffee isn't good for me...but I obviously don't believe it because I still drink close to 5 daily.
I KNOW too much sun can give you cancer...but I don't truly believe that or I'd wear higher SPF than 15.
I BELIEVE drugs are bad....I don't do them.
I BELIEVE exercise is necessary to stay healthy.....so I run.

I KNOW God loves me.....but I must not believe it fully or the way I live my life would reflect that totally different.

On the drive home yesterday, Lord was just revealing to me why I struggle in that area. It's a holy love...and unfailing love...and my simple human mind cannot grasp a love without mess ups or I'm sorry...or pain. We've all been hurt by people who love us. We're human.
Read in Psalms, and almost every time it talks about God's love for us the word "unfailing" comes before it. Unfailing by definition means: everlasting, inexhaustible, infallible. not liable to fail.

I realize I live my life thinking God's love will fail for me. Eventually I'll exhaust Him enough...screw up too much....etc etc and it will change how He loves me.
Heard Him say "If you simply understood the depth of my love for you, you would live so much more free"
There's so much rest in that kind of love. No need to worry, someone who loves me more than anything is sovereign and in control. He wants good things for me. He has good works planned for those that love him. Because of His love for me, I can love others without expecting or needing anything from them. Believing and accepting that kind of love and really walking in that would result in a life so poured out. How much more could he do through me if I truly understood His heart and desire for me?
My job: Receive this love. believe this love. return His love...and my favorite part: rest in this love which results in living/sharing/pouring out freely into others...

Benediction by Jimmy Needham always reminds me of this, the ultimate act of love:
"Hanging out for 6 hours. Marred beyond recognition
In complete submission to his fathers will still
A proclamation was made,
Louder than the loudest temptation
with more beauty than all his creation
more eternal than eternity
more angelic than the heavenlies.
It. is. Done.
You were bought with blood.
Accept and rejoice for freedom has come."

Unexpected

I miss the country. Living in the city is amazing....but finding time to get away from everything is harder than it was when I lived in Athens. In college, (this wasn't super smart!) I use to drive out to the open farm land after getting off at Jittery Joes. This was usually sometime after 11 or close to midnight, and would just park my car in a field and lay on the hood and watch the stars. I've always loved watching the stars. It takes a lot of time and patience so sit there and just stare at the sky...waiting for something to shoot across the night sky. I did this a lot during winter months and would keep giant blankets in my trunk in case an impromptu moment called and I found myself driving to the end of Milledge to my claimed plot of farm land.
I had so many nights of awesome alone time with the Lord...praying...blasting Sean McDonald from inside the car and singing at the top of my lungs. Beauty of the country, you can't bug anyone out there with the music...or with my singing! Spending time in nature is just one of those things for me that just rejuvenates my soul...I feel closer to the Lord. Not sure if it's because all of life's biggest distractions are far from my access, or because nature is just so beautiful...or because of the quiet that comes.
Honestly, I think college was the last time I was able to do that. However, a few weeks ago I went up to the mountains with some friends to spend some time hanging out. A random drive in the truck to see a reservoir turned into an awesome adventure as the night crept in. Everyone seemed in need of just being outside and driving in the country. The drive in the back of the truck bed alone was amazing...wind blowing....too fast to really talk....and the scenery was too pretty to miss anyway!
We randomly stopped at a big open field on our way back to the house. At first I didn't know what we were doing, and then I noticed the sun was starting to set and where we had parked provided a beautiful view.
Hillsong was turned up and the windows of the truck came down.
We all sat on the truck bed ...silent; just watching. I moved to a giant fence at the edge of the field for a better view...and to just take in more of being outside. A couple people joined me. And we sat. Quiet. Listening. Just being.
I think that is what I miss most.
Just being.
Nothing else going on.
No noise besides night bugs and worship music in the distance.

Then, in the peaceful serenity...one of the guys turned and looked at us with an awesome smile and took off through the field! The grass was up past his knees and there was a huge hill in the distance where the sun was setting.
A couple of us watched for a minute....he sped through the grass....on a mission....bounding if you will because the grass was so tall. We only watched for a moment...and then without a word being said, I looked at the guy next to me, and we both darted off the fence following the path up the hill! So much joy and laughter is involved when running through a tall grass field. I of course tripped and fell...but pulled myself together to continue the run. It was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. It had probably been years since any of us had run through a field like that....
Once we reached the top of the hill, the scenery before us was even more beautiful than at the bottom of the field. We turned and saw behind us the rest of the group bounding through the grass to join us! Then we watched the sun slip away behind the horizon.
I'm use to experiencing all of that alone, however, even with everyone there, the presence and serenity of the Lord was felt.
It wasn't Athens, and there were no stars, but it was just what I needed: Gainesville and a field. Thankful for blessings that sneak up on you.