a good struggle

23.
24 in a matter of weeks…days….I guess you could even say hours. (it would be a large number though).
I told my roommate there was a good chance of a meltdown when I turned 24. She said that wasn’t allowed till 25…so I guess I have a year to wait for that one. In lue of not being allowed an age meltdown I’ve still been processing and ping-ponging the whole “so I’m almost 24..what am I doing with my life!?” phrase that tends to creep up when milestones like New Years and birthdays happen.
Some remind me that I’m still a “baby” and I have plenty of time to figure it out…other people *cough* dad *cough* encourage me that I’m not a baby and I do need to start planning/figuring out where I’m going and what I want to do.
And here in that lies my dilemma.

If you don’t know where you’re going…how do you figure out the best way to get there?

There’s the phrase, “Not all who wander are lost” however, I will be the first to admit that I am wandering….and it’s not because I want to be.
In general where do I want to end up: closer to the Lord and growing spiritually…doing whatever it is He has planned for me….marriage…a family. But all of those (besides spiritual growth) are kind of tricky to plan for. And the main concern right now, as I’ve talked about before, is more so where/what the Lord wants me to be doing. It’s definitely one of those things I feel like I’ve been struggling through the past year and half. Feeling like I’m not doing anything…or wasting time. And, as the Lord loves to do…when I need it most He sheds some light on the subject in some shape or form:

“When you’re waiting, you’re not doing nothing. You’re doing the most important something there is. You’re allowing your soul to grow up. If you can’t be still and wait, you can’t become what God has created you to be.” –Sue Monk Kidd

Through this past year I’ve realized I’m not patient. I want to know the answer and then get to work on whatever it is. I remember as a kid, Harrison and I would ask Dad things and instead of giving us the answer he would let us “sit there and think about it”. Nothing would drive me crazier!! He wanted us to figure some things out for ourselves instead of giving us the easy answer. Amazing how wisdom and extreme annoyance can often pair together.
Continued reading last night and was hit with this:

“What has happened to our ability to dwell in the unknowing’ to live inside a question and coexist with the tensions of uncertainty? Where is our willingness to incubate pain and let it birth something new? What has happened to patient unfolding, to endurance? These things are what form the ground of waiting .And if you look carefully, you’ll see that they’re also the seedbed of creativity and growth- what allows us to do the daring and to break through to newness.” –Sue Monk Kidd

After reading that I was left more encouraged. It’s ok I’m not 100% sure where I’m going. God has me here for a reason…to learn and trust Him through the struggle…it will grow and produce in me the characteristics He is trying to harvest. He will continue to reveal more as we go…but for now, the struggle is good. It’s hard…but it causes a necessary faith and dependence on Him to guide me. If God just revealed to me every detail of his plan, faith/trust in Him would be non-essential. Intimacy develops during those times when you have to press in deeper to follow. So hear we go…

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Forgotten God

Just finished reading “Forgotten God” by Francis Chan. Very good read…have to take it chapter by chapter to make sure you soak all of it up. I probably still need to go back and re-read half of it!
Between finishing the book last night and a “spirit led” encouragement email from a dear friend this morning I just love seeing how God uses so many different areas of your life to get a major point across.
The overall theme of Forgotten God was living a spirit filled life and living, working, being aware of how important the Holy Spirit is in our life…and how necessary for the work He has called us to! The part that really struck me was how important it is to pray and relinquish control to the spirit and let him literally work through you. I will go days on end without even thinking to ask the Lord why he woke me up that morning. Did the Lord want me to go to work , run, spend time with my roommates….sure. However, what other deeper more eternal work was there that I missed because I got caught up in my own life. I so quickly forget that He wakes me up everyday to complete HIS work….to fulfill His will…whether it’s to grow deeper in my relationship with Him, or love on His children or bring glory to Him in countless other ways. I forget. I don’t ask, and I live as if my purpose for my time here is to work 9-5 and live for the weekends. How mundane. How boring! No wonder so many of us are discontent and unsatisfied! We’re not living our life to the fullest and to what He intended for us!

"Pick at random a score of great saints whose lives and testimonies are widely known. Let them be Bible characters or well known Christians of post-Biblical times. You will be struck instantly with the fact that the saints were not alike.... I venture to suggest that the one vital quality which they had in common was spiritual receptivity. Something in them was open to heaven, something which urged them Godward. Without attempting anything like a profound analysis I shall say simply that they had spiritual awareness and that they went on to cultivate it until it became the biggest thing in their lives. They differed from the average person in that when they felt the inward longing they did something about it. They acquired the lifelong habit of spiritual response. " –Tozer

I realize I don’t live my life thinking that I can have the same impact that James, or Paul, or Martin Luther had…but they are no different than you and I except for they responded to the call the Spirit had on their lives! Each of us have a different calling by the spirit….and it will look different in each of our lives….but as for me, I know I very rarely ask for the Spirit to do his work in me. Or invite opportunities to be used! That’s all the Lord is waiting for….people to be willing to be used!
And when you’re used by the Spirit….ridiculous things happen! People that I know that regularly die to themselves and are open to the spirit’s moving have some of the most crazy, God glorifying stories I’ve ever heard.
What would it look like to live a life so moved and directed by the spirit that someone couldn’t look at your life without giving praise to God because they know the things that are happening are only because of His power!

After Peter and John performed miracles, the people watching them , “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” – Acts 4:13.
Their works did not bring them praise...but instead immediately brought recognition to Christ.
Last summer I experimented with this and tried praying for opportunities to be used by the Lord in whatever manner he wished. Not gonna lie I was kind of afraid to pray that (maybe because I knew God would take me up on the offer!). At the time I worked at CFA as a marketing director and the prayer had literally left my lips as I was walking out into the restaurant from the back of the store. As soon as I opened the door I saw the line was packed with 20 people! I hurried to help. After about a minute I started to realize that everyone in line was an adult…and that they had a mental or physical handicap. The special needs home near us had brought them all to CFA for a lunch field trip! Immediately I heard the Lord chuckle and say “you asked for an opportunity…how bout a bus full!” I got super excited and just spent the next hour visiting and loving on them realizing that the Lord had brought them here today to be served and loved on. I cannot express how joyful it was to spend time with them! In that moment I just realized how much more of a blessing it was to know that the Lord had wanted me to serve them. Did the Lord bring the bus because I prayed? No. I believe I was blessed and was able to pour more into them because by praying the Lord made me more aware of how I was serving Him that day. Sadly, I forget so often to do this! But between the book, and the email today it just made me realize how often I live my life short of what He’s called me to…and in that I miss out on so many blessings and opportunities to glorify Him. I’m going to try to live more aware of the spirit’s moving….and not be surprised when a bus shows up!

2010 Beach Trip

Just came back from our 2nd Annual Beach Trip. That trip single handedly brings me so much joy and reminds me how good it feels to laugh till my stomach hurts and tears role down my face. We always take jumping pictures, people have learned this about us. I'm convinced that one day when I have a family of my own I will still be taking these (My own family does this!) There is just too much laughter that comes from them....and in my book laughter has no maturity limit! That being said, here's a glimpse at the 2010 attempts....

These pictures are a perfect examples of all our personalities....


Roommates! Love it. Please make note of Katie's "barbie" arms and apparent peg leg. Jamie is fully committed. I've had better.

Jamie and I have been jumping for years....it's a skill. This one we gave it all we had!
This one was in honor of the '09 Jumps. Year so good I doubt we will ever be able to repeat the hilarity of those jumps. The faces and arm positions of this jump however are pretty impressive!


Last but not least, picture of all the girls. Of all the places to eat in Destin we would find the Mexican Restaurant. Ladies- what a good trip! Counting down the days till next year!

(L to R: Megan, Katie, myself, Lauren, Jamie)

It's the simple things

Finding joy in the simple things:

Coming downstairs weekend mornings and just sitting and drinking coffee with my roommates.

Days when the sun shines so bright you seriously have to believe that everything is right in the world

Rainy days that give me the perfect excuse to curl up with a good book and listen to the storm role in

Watching someone bow their head in prayer before eating a meal

Going for a run and enjoying the feeling of my legs pounding the pavement

Having friends in my life that I have over 15 years of memories with

Designs in my latte foam

Going to a rodeo and wearing cowboy boots and being thankful for being from the South

Living in the city

Being only hours from the country

Laughter that makes your stomach hurt and tears stream down your face

Being able to look at an old friend and one glance meaning a thousand words

Inside jokes

Really good ice cream

Despite age, being united with others over one simple thing: Georgia Football

Pottery Barn & Anthropology magazines just because of their creative layout

Tacos

Random moments in the day when for no particular reason you just feel the Lord near

Days where the whole family is back under one roof

Driving in the country and catching a glimpse of the stars

Getting lost in a good book

Songs that bring back floods of memories

Driving with the windows down

Sitting on the deck with friends on summer evenings

and.....American Flag Running shorts.

"overweight"

I learn a lot through analogies. I’m not sure what that says about my learning capabilities that someone has to create a story or similarity for me to understand things, but either way, over the years I’ve realized it’s how I learn best. Since college I’ve also noticed that the Lord tends to show me things through analogies, typically through comparing life to athletics. Again, makes me sound like a “meat head” (not sure if girls can be those…but go with it) Grew up always playing sports or practicing to be better at whatever season I was playing in. It makes sense to use something I’ve done for the past 12 years to teach me.
That being said, here’s the latest analogy I’m learning. Again, learning is key word here. Not past tense. Present.
I view my walk with the Lord very much so like ongoing training for the ultimate race….not an original thought. Pretty sure Paul came up with it….may be why he is one of my faves.
Spirituality is a lot like being physically fit. It takes training, time, discipline, endurance, and an obvious love of what you’re doing. You notice athletes. You can look at someone and usually tell they are a runner; not a “I run 3 miles a week” but a “yeah I’ve ran 25 half marathons” (met one of those people before! Respect)
They’re fit looking. Their muscles are lean and toned. If you’re close with them, you notice they take care of their bodies by feeding it things that will build their strength and help them perform to the best of their ability. They make time to train and are disciplined with their training. I’ve never met an athletic person who only ran when they felt like it. They tend to have goals set…and a plan to make sure they are getting the practice they need. And again, anyone who spends THAT much time doing something, love what they’re doing.
Here’s the key….you don’t have to see all the time and effort they put into it, you can tell by looking at them. They don’t have to tell you, “I’ve done an Iron Man” or “I really like to run…a lot”. You know. And the good athletes don’t feel the need to tell you. They train because they love what they do….not for others praise.

Feel like the same goes with our spirituality. Obviously, people can’t look at me and know I love Jesus. However, if I’m putting in the time to spend time in the Word and with Jesus….there is a positive benefit. The whole “Christian” lifestyle is to go through life becoming more like Christ. Therefore the more time we spend with Him, obviously the more we become like Him. The way we treat people changes….the things we say change…we love different…we encourage instead of tear down…and the list goes on and on. It’s a lifestyle. It takes discipline and a lot of time. For me personally, I can tell when I haven’t been “training”. My personality goes down the tubes, it’s more of a struggle to love and I tend to worry a lot. Physically same thing happens. Haven’t run in a while…3 miles is DEATH! I’m sucking wind…cramping in places I didn’t know I could cramp…and all I can think about is STOPPING. However, when I’ve been training in both areas of my life loving people comes easier, joy flows, and doing life right just comes so much more naturally- less of a struggle. Running is fun; the further I go the more I enjoy it and instead of pain, my body thrives off the physical push and I want to run longer.

If I’m really seeking after the Lord and putting in the time and effort…I shouldn’t have to tell you all the time how much I love the Lord. If you do life with me, you should see it in how I live…in what I say to others. I’ve met people like that….their relationship with the Lord just oozes out of them. Again, not in a way that every other minute they’re telling you “what the Lord is doing in my life right now”….when it’s real, it just comes naturally. It’s evident.
And maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like if I have to always be telling someone then there probably is a disconnect. There’s a difference in talking about what you love because you love it…..and talking about what you love because people will look at you different because of it.

This was a good slap in the face analogy for me. Spiritually speaking….I’m a little “overweight” and the thought of running for more than a mile or two makes me sweat. Out of shape...not gonna lie.
Probably one of the reasons I started trying to do races was I needed discipline/goals in my life…and I need the same approach I have to my physical training to spill over into my spiritual life.

That being said…I’m dusting the cheesy poofs from my face and putting on my sweat bands….round is not a shape.

Fear of Reality

Always running; never walking,
Never stopping for fear of stillness.

Winds blowing; always rushing,
Always turning for fear of settling.

Oceans crashing; always roaring,
Never ceasing for fear of silence.

When all is still and everything has settled,
it’s in the silence that we become aware of reality.

"borrowing"

I'm a borrower. I love to borrow things from my parents house that seem like they could have been forgotten, unused, or never missed. Probably the correct term is "stealer" but that just sounds so harsh, so I will continue to refer to it as borrowing. Technically, if anyone ever asked for that item back...I would of course return it to it's proper owner.

"Oh, sorry didn't realize this was yours." Smile. Play dumb and give it back.

Key word their is play. I'm always aware that if it's not mine....that means it's probably someone else's. This is where I have a HUGE character flaw: I just don't care. I'll take it anyway.
Recently with moving I've borrowed several things. Lamps that don't appear to be in use, anything in my brothers room who is away in college was fair game. College kids are never home...and they never use their stuff. I know this because several times upon my return from Athens I noticed several things had been "borrowed" from my room, including an old pair of jeans. (note: remember I have 3 brothers. interesting? indeed. but that's a story for a different day) Anyway, I've found this borrowing works great. Why buy something new when you can see if there's already one at your parent's house. In all seriousness I do take things that people aren't using. My parents don't come home to find that I've taken their sheets or anything. I'd never get away with anything that obvious.

The main thing I will "borrow" is food. Little something here...little something there...and no one ever notices. Sometimes I will take the one thing that my mother has bought for a specific purpose...then all hell breaks loose. She has discovered my habit of lifting food items and therefore instead of stopping me, she just mentions what things I'm not allowed to take. "Cameron, I bought 5 tubs of strawberries for Bible Study...DON'T EAT THEM."
The last two times I went home I did borrow food (as always) but looking back I question my selection.
Yesterday I stole a can of beans. Beans? Really? I actually laughed to myself because I didn't know whether that was gross or just sad.
Today I had snuck a grape fruit out of the fridge to take home. Knew mom had just bought those...so figured I had to be super sneaky.However, left it out and she noticed. Thought she was going to put it away but instead she picked up and said:

"You taking this with you right?" smiled and handed it to me.
I grinned awkwardly. She knows me so well.